It's Labor Day morning. The summer went by so fast.
Memorial Day weekend was a lonely time for me. Just a couple weeks before my life was changed. One of my most significant relationships in my life ended. And it ended with lost hope and desire. At the time, I was feeling emotionally burnt out. Stress and passionless. I was hurt, confused and very upset.
By the beginning of June I decided to do something totally drastic and just so not like me. I cut my hair. I had locks for seven years. SEVEN YEARS!!!! They were down my back. It was hard cutting my hair, but I felt like I needed to shed myself of negativity. I just felt my hair was holding a lot of negative energy. Past energy that wasn't doing me any good. I felt emotionally rotten and cutting my hair helped to me to have a new perspective. In addition, I felt I needed to cut my hair because it was something I felt the ex would have never expected me to do. At the time, I thought he was thinking I wasn't a risk taker and I was becoming complacent in my life with the status quo. So it was time to make a change...thus I did.
The month of June went by, with no posts to any blogs I had. I was trying to stay busy and focus on me, my children and building a new life. I thought about my ex constantly and I tried my best to throw away my thoughts of him. Some days it would be a good day for me...other days it was not so good, but I lived through them....
By the beginning of July, I went on vacation to the mountains for the 4th of July weekend. It was so nice. Peaceful to say the least. I had a good time, even though my time was short. It was in the mountains that I decided that I needed to stop obessively thinking about my ex and start to move on with my life. That I had enough hoping and wishing he'd come. I was still to angry at the time to accept him back in my life anyway.
When I returned from vacation, I started my crusade to meet new people...date new men and see what the world was offering. I took another drasatic bold and daring step. I lightened my hair to BLONDE. And from that moment on...I was snagging men's names and taking numbers. I felt a new sense of confidence. I was bold. It was great. I met a lot of nice fellows. And I started lap swimming again.
I dated, I swam, I dated, I swam. I purchased a new car. I traded in my gas guzzling 2005 Mercedes Benz ML350 in for a 2007 Camry Hybrid.
In all I met about seven men over the summer and dated three. All cool people. But nothing like the ex. So I struggled once again with comparsions and I felt hopeless about relationships and men. By the end of July, someone that I had bowled with all winter league long approached me. I was shocked....because I didn't know dude was feeling me like that. So we started dating. Nevertheless...I was still feeling uptight about relationships and trying to move on with my life. I was still thinking about the ex...but I couldn't bring myself to call him. It was pride. I wasn't as angry...but I figured by that time...so much time had went by...that he hated me...and that he had just moved on with his life as well. So I had to be come accepting and I had to begin to learn to forgive or else I'd be trapped.
So the dude turns out to be a great and nice guy... but we have no chemistry. Nice person to talk to. He's a gentleman and attentive to my needs. But we don't have FIYAH not FIRE, but FIYAH between us. And that's because of me. He has the FIYAH for me. But I don't have it for him. We've been dating the entire month of August. But I'm going to have to let him know I can't pursue anything further with him than just being friends. He's not where I want to be.....my heart just isn't there....
I did feel sweet about one of my friends UNTIL I got to figuring this FOOL out!!!!! He probably had the most chance with me. He is another Capricorn and born in the same month and year as my ex. Talk about a POOR SUBSITITUTION!!!!! OMG.....He's sick! He is just totally needy and just got on my last damn nerve! Oh my Lawd...he was so needy I could have just screamed! He turned into a borderline internet stalker. I wasn't in the mood for another long distance relationship. He lives in Bronx, NY. I didn't want to be bothered. But he was JUST so damn NEEDY!!!!! He called me all damn day long....and wanted to talk on the phone for hours....I don't have time dude....I'm superwoman...I have work, children, bowling and an uncover life of being a pole dancer while fighting relationship crime.....he just needed me, I guess....but he was needy in the sense of being overprotective of me, needy in the sense he HAD to talk to me EVERY damn minute of the day...sucking up my day minutes on my cell phone! And dude hadn't even met me in person. He went from I just want to be your friend to I want to marry you within 48 hours. NO JOKE. He asked me to marry him over and over and over again. It was sickening. He was like I've been loving you from afar waiting for the right time to talk to talk to you. He was ready to buy me a ring...I was like look dude, I don't even love you...I don't even know you...I've never met you in person....but the ONE thing I did like him for was that we had some good conversations when he wasn't dipping into crazy stalker zone. But that zone started to take over and I had to jet.....when he was talking about killing himself over me because our 3 day relationship wasn't working for me.....but last night was the final straw. I had to delete his name and put him on the ignore list on my Yahoo IM...because he kept contacting me about how hurt he is and how we can make this work, if I just try. I DON'T WANT TO TRY WITH YOU DUDE! I DON'T LOVE YOU....I'M NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And can you believe he's a NYPD Detective! He's a cop.....