Today...

is the best day - live in today's moment and enjoy!

Be Free....

Diggin' Deep

I need to decide what kind of man I want to enter into my life. I have to be specific. There are certain things I want. I think in the past I've been too general, and with these thoughts I've been getting general kind of men. 

I'll date one man and he doesn't have all the qualities I want, date another and he's void of other things I want. 

I'm going to work on this.  I need to change the way I've been thinking about relationships and what I want for me...

I need to create this man mentally.  Eventually the physical manifestation will come. But first I need to mentally dig deep and write out what this man is like.  There is a certain vision I have.  Then I need to think about it often. Just like I do with my other goals. 

It's time I redirect my thoughts. I've been thinking the wrong thoughts and it's been keeping me stuck.  

If I keep thinking that dating is hard; it will be hard. The more I think the wrong thoughts, the more despair I feel about this situation.  

So at the moment in time, I'm changing my thoughts.  No more focusing on the wrong thoughts. 

My thoughts are my reality.  I'm creating the relationship I want. 

I will build it. He will come. 

Be Free....

2 double O nine N re-VIEW

It is so easy to get the holiday blues. The holiday season represents things hoped for, things lost, and things yet materialized.  So here is my year in review....

2009 in Review

In January of 2009 I was dating this really nice guy. He wasn't my usual type. But he was something to do. It was during a time when me and my long term ex were on one of our hiatuses. But by April, I let him go. He was ten years my junior, white, loves NASCAR and he worked two jobs, but all he wanted to do was discuss his bills. lol Okay honey...we all have bills, but I don't allow it to consume my life to the point that I eat, sleep, and only think about my bills. I let him go because he asked me for $125 to pay his car insurance bill.  That was a NO NO. One, I'm not the Bank of America and two I didn't want to set up the pattern of loaning him money and then him paying me back.  He would have paid me back, but I wasn't having it. Looking back that was just a sexual relationship. And it was one that didn't last to long....thank God. lol :-) 

Also in January 2009, this country inaugurated it's FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT of the United States. It was a moving, wonderful and spiritual experience.  This changed a lot of things at work. With the new Obama Administration came the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act aka ARRA in mid February - gone was the old Bush Administration initiative - the President's Management Agenda (PMA)...and it was busy around my job with helping Federal agencies implement ARRA.  It was hectic for most of the year. After ARRA, came the Detroit Hiring Fair and then we instantly moved into Hiring Reform. And I had mentally checked out on January 20th.  It was hard for me to get myself together.  I truly believed that I wasn't doing my heart's desire and that is to write for a living. 

So I moved my website and started to really work on my blog in mid-February. I've done a great job this year of writing in my blog and expressing bits and pieces of my life as they happen.  The only month I missed for 2009 was April. 

In December 2008, I withdrew from one of my classes - my LAST class of the program. But I was too preoccupied with the really nice guy I was dating and I really didn't feel like doing school work. However, by the end of February 2009, I had gotten myself together. And I was ready to finish my degree. I had to finish my thesis and complete the last course. I had already finished the first draft of the thesis, but I needed to make the edits and tighten it up. I am really bad with proofreading. I had received an incomplete for the course. I had to reedit, get the finished thesis bounded, shipped off to my school, have it graded, and get the grade changed in the system - ALL by March 31st. By this time it was March 5th. But I got it together.  And the course I had signed up for in April was dropped because not enough students signed up...so I took a very interesting class in May.  It was about the Beat Generation/Movement.  It was an intense four weeks. But I finished.  I received my degree in the mail - Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.  This is my third Master degree.  This is the LAST time I will ever enter a formal educational program! I'm tired of school!!!! lol I'm done!!!!!

June 25th - My beloved Michael Jackson passed away.  This was devastating to me. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. It was very difficult for me. But I think it was difficult for a lot of people that really loved MJ and his music. I will LOVE Michael Joseph Jackson forever! He was a true visionary...he was a gentle soul.  And when I saw the movie of This Is It on November 1st, it really showed a different side of MJ. One that I hope that everyone grasps.  This last show he was preparing was fro me...it was for you....he did it for the love his fans...the love of the art form...the love of music....that movie showed how MJ was not an angry man.  He had greatness. No other person has ever captured the hearts of so many people. 

Over the summer, I bowled in my summer league. I bowled like crap.  The last time I bowled like that, I was a beginner bowler...but I've been bowling well during my winter league. Go figure.

By July,  I had called quits again with my on again/off again ex.  This time I was absolutely serious about not getting back with him. The previous pattern was after three months of being off, we'd fall back to one another and stay on for about six months...then we'd fall out and be off again for three months....back and forth.  This went on for SEVEN years!!!!!!!  But this has lead to nothing substantial. I decided to no longer entertain his phone calls or text messages.  I've been clean and sober from him for five months. Yay me!!!! 

The first weekend in August I attended my 20th high school reunion.  I had never attended any of the previous reunions.  I had previously asked the ex back in 2008 to attend, but being the jerk that he can be he said yes, but when it came time for me to purchase the tickets in May, he backed out. But I went ahead and followed through. I purchased one ticket. Then the time came...and I had a ball that entire weekend.  I realized I didn't need him.  The reconnection was great.  I forged new friendships with people that I didn't hang out with while in high school. Facebook as come our common place for the interactions we share.  We even do things outside of FB. It's a great source of networking. 

During this time I also started getting back into dating and I met someone special. Someone from my distant past. When he approached me, I would have never thought five months later I'd feel the way I do about him.  I wasn't checkin' for him.  He wasn't on my radar. I often play one memory in my mind over and over.  I wish I could go back to that period in time and just start all over with him. I would admit now that I sold myself short when it came to him.  He and I came to an agreement that I was satisfied with. He had already stated to me that he wasn't looking for anything more serious than what we agreed to. And I wasn't interested in having another relationship with anyone at that moment in time. I just wanted to date and be free to do as I felt whenever I felt it. I was cool with this set up and the agreement we made.  I dated other men, but he captured me. UNEXPECTEDLY.  I heard about how this can happen to a person when a person least expects it BAM it comes. However, what happens when it only comes to one person and not the other? lol I mean that is life right?  I knew it to be true, when he and I were to hook up, but something came up and when I finally saw him later that day I felt this deep intense emotion to come over me...it was more than just elation.  When he got in the car, I felt all was right in the world.  Needless to say, I hid my feelings from him...then one night he put me on notice and reminded me of our agreement.  CRUSHED. But rightfully so. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for him. SUCKA! lol I was a sucker.  But this wasn't his issue.  This was my problem.....So I lied to him about the onset of my intense feelings when he confronted me. I knew that showing my true feelings towards him would end it all. So I put on a show. I walked cloaked and daggered.  I continued to see him and I continued to hide my emotions. But for me, it began to get too emotionally complicated for me; and in order to rid myself of how I was feeling, I stopped speaking to him. I refused to call or text him.  I was scared that he'd see through me.  Eventually, he also stopped calling and texting me as well. I think he figured out how I was feeling and decided that it was best he jump ship too before he thought I'd become to too needy and dependent on him.   Not my style. I am respecting him, his space and our agreement. I can't even say I lost him.  He was never mine to lose.  We weren't in a committed relationship.  I just felt an intense connection with dude.  However, it became clear to me over time that the more I saw of him the more I became conflicted and the more unhappy about the situation I became. The last five months have been a learning lesson on what not to do when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. I will never put myself in that space again.  I will never label or put limits on what could be and if the male states he doesn't want a relationship and I know I do - regardless if this is the right person on or not, I'm going to walk away...cut my losses early...I'm not going to stunt the potential of what could be - I never want to feel this one sided feeling ever again. 2010 I will put those learning lessons into practice and truly accept someone into my life that's going to love me, respect me and honor me as his companion.  I still have suitors. A couple are past suitors, that I won't give them the time of day. It's backwards to go backwards. lol There is a reason they are past suitors. Not interested. 

2009 was a interesting year.  There was never a dull moment. There were somethings I didn't complete like: learn how to ride a motorcycle, play the drums or learn to play golf.  But I did rid myself of the emotional turmoil I had felt with my ex only to engage myself in a one side situation.  It was a step up from where I was coming from. Work was meaningless, but I enjoyed the pay...lol, I promise myself to be more proactive in my job and get my head together, remove the writer's block and start writing again.  

Writing is the key.  I would start writing short stories and I couldn't finish them.  I have written some treatments, but I don't feel like writing the script. I started writing a young adult novel, but I've lost interest.  I'm wasting time. My mind is cluttered. I have five days to remove the clutter from my mind - get FRESH for 2010. I can't bring this dead weight into the new decade. 

Be Free.......

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Manifestation of Stress

I can't sleep.  I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, I was so hot. Now I can't get back to sleep. 

I have so much on my mind that I'm beginning to think it's manifesting itself in having stomach issues. Last week, I thought I had a stomach virus, but maybe it was the just stress, now that stress has begun to show out. All week it's been hard for me to eat without feeling the food sitting in my chest. Periodically continually to belch and feel uncomfortable at night when I sleep.  It's like something is burning a whole in my chest when I lay down and I feel awful. 

Manifestation of stress is no joke because its the onset of disease...meaning that your body is at some kind of dis-ease. I pretty much know the cause of stress.

Children

Work

Relationship

Dog

Bills

Things that are out of my control - but I think about them so they affect my mental and emotional.

This list is in no particular order.  It's just the day to day grind of life and I'm trying to find ways to be less stressful. I need to get back in the gym so I can physically work off these kinds of pains. But at the moment my mind can't and doesn't want to do it - so goes the mind...the body follows. 

I clearly understand that I'm not pulling the positive energy into my sphere at this moment.  I'm feeling the physical pain of it. I need to redirect the negative energy out of this hole of unmentioned unspoken fear and just deal with my issues. 

Tonight I got word that someone I know - their mother passed away of a heart attack.  Something so unexpected. So shocking. I feel for this someone I know. I don't ever remember meeting her mother, but nevertheless her grief is understood. 

I can't afford mentally, emotionally, or physically to sweat the small stuff....because in the scheme of life - IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF. 

Be free....

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Wasting Time | No More Excuses | Life is Short | Life is Precious | Be Free

Last night I went to the bowling alley as I usually do on a Saturday night. I had opted to go bowling instead of attending my Great Aunt Juanita's birthday party. She's in her 90s if I'm not mistaken. Well now I clearly understand WHY I was suppose to go bowling.  I was given a subtle message of BE FREE, LIVE YOUR LIFE, LIFE IS TO SHORT and NO MORE EXCUSES...a reminder that LIFE is precious and I shouldn't take each day for granted...that I need to be on my Ps and Qs...that I no longer should settle, but make the most of my life on a DAILY BASIS. 

I'm standing there preparing myself to bowl for the evening.  I threw some practice balls. The lanes were just like I like them. I then saw a woman I knew from another league I bowled in years ago.  At one point in time she had bowled in the league I still bowl in.  She looked nice as usual, but she approached me and said Dion passed.  I was like Dion who? I knew her son's name was Dion, but I knew she could not have possibly been speaking about her son....and she was like MY SON. I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK! He died from injuries of being in a car accident.  The accident was October 11, 2009.  I bowled with him at point in time and he use to sub in my league.  It had been a while since I had last saw him.  I remember talking to him about my reasons for cutting my locs.  He had long locs that were very pretty and he was thinking about cutting them.  I told his mom about this...and she said yeah he had decided to cut them and he did so in May...and it was probably shortly before then that was the last time I saw him. I am still in shock and very hurt about his passing.  He was a young good looking bright young man. He worked for the DC Fire Department and I remember always seeing him in his blue uniform with DCFD on the back of his shirt....he just wanted to live his life to the fullest.  But on one night driving down Rt.197 Laurel-Bowie Road...that all came to an end. He lived for a couple more days, but he eventually fell to his injuries. I feel so bad for his mother. She was in good spirits for having just burying her son on October 20th. She didn't bowl...her husband subbed...but I tried to make her laugh and feel at ease. But I can tell she was feeling the pain of not having her son.  She told me she had her good and bad days...and I can understand this.  I watched my mother go through the same pain of having to deal with a passing of a child...her son, my brother. 

I can't believe I'm just finding out this news.  The mother of Dion had been up the bowling alley about a week ago and I still didn't know.  Wow....so here I am....able bodied...I am alive that can complete my dreams...my goals...and I'm going to do just that. 

It just so happened this week I made some decisions. The first being about my participation on Facebook. I logged out on Monday November 2, 2009 at 11am and I've not logged back in since. I've given up all the time wasting mindless games. I just don't see the importance in them any more. They are addictive and it's almost like being or having a second job. Between attacking folks on Mafia Wars, harvesting crops on Farmville, dancing with people on Yoville and waiting for a chicken to cook on Cafe World...I wasn't writing. I wasn't completing my projects. I was losing my writing spark and becoming more interested in things that have no significant outcome if I wasn't on Facebook. It's not about taking a "break" from FB, it's about seeing how useless it can be at times...and how it was stopping me from achieving my goals and dreams...FB is the dream of its founders and we have bought into THEIR dream...but I want someone to buy into my dream...my completed writings...my e-novel,  publish a manuscript, see my screenplays optioned and produced...but before that can occur I have to buy into me...and I can't do that by buying into things that keep me preoccupied from that goal. I know this blog post will pop up on my wall page...but rest assured...I have not logged into FB. 

Another decision I've made is how disgusted I am regarding my "love" life. lol This has been obvious with some of my previous blog posts I've made. The fact of the matter is I'm sick and tired of being "alone". I want someone to come into my life that is going to care about me like he's never care for anyone else in his life.  I've made some really bad choices in men and they have taken advantage of my kindness and I allowed them to because I wanted to say or "act" like I was this deep meaningful relationship. But I wasn't...I was just fooling myself.  Just like I continue to fool myself in my current situation. No matter how bad I want it to change or if I call myself reading the tea leaves as they say...this is another dead end interaction.  In part I feel like the victim and another part of me feels like the asshole. I saw clearly this past week where I thought he cared about me, but I see where I was misreading it...and he really didn't/doesn't care at all.  Seriously...I just don't care anymore. I've played my own role in this. Not seeing the signs, not wanting to believe that these people could treat me the way I allowed them to. Dion is dead and he no longer has the opportunity to find love or to have love find him....he will never know what it is to grow old.  My brother will never know what it is to grow old.  However, I still have that opportunity to grow old and share my life with someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.

Ahhh the older I get, the more cynical I become over this falling in love thing. And why not...I just feel like love doesn't love me...even after I've given love my all. There has to be a life lesson in all of this. I still believe this is apart of me learning patience. Once I learn it...I truly believe I will see everything clearly.   But given that...I look back on Dion and say wow...I still have a chance. The problem is...I care...I care too much...even when I shouldn't. Life is too short for me to care about people when they don't and will never care about me. I've lived so much of life wasting my good precious time on people that just used me...didn't care about me...only wanted sex with me but used love as the weapon of choice to seduce me. I fell for that crap. The lower lustful me fell for it. That is something I have to learn to control. It being out of control is what has gotten me to this place of despair. But I finally recognize it.  Thus allowing me to do something about it. 

I said I was going to live in a bullshit free zone.  Some aspects of my life I've done a great job of doing that...in others...well not so good and now is the time for me to apply this to all aspects of my life. I'll be 40 January 21, 2011...that is 14 months away. All that crazy young childish crap I use to put up with...is just that...and I'm not dealing with any of it anymore! 

I saw a sign this morning. I heard some banging on what I thought was someone at my front door.  I went to my bedroom window. No one was at the door.  It was just one of the kids.  What did I see, however.....I saw a woman walking to her car with two large white garbage bags full of clothes it looked like...but that's not what caught my eye...it was the fact that she was wearing a BLUE SWEAT SHIRT WITH DCFD on the back....I know...I'm on the right track.... 

Be free......

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Life Partners & Patience

So I've been thinking about this topic a lot. What is a life partner to me? I say life partner instead of marriage because I think of that person as something beyond just being married to.  There are lots of people who are married and aren't satisfied, unhappy or they just married for all the wrong reasons. 

What is a life partner to me? Well since I've never been married, I can't say what the highs and lows are when it comes to dealing with one person on a daily basis for a long time. I have been in long term relationships but I'll challenge anyone who seems to think that is the same as being married. 

What keeps coming to mind is the man I am with - he and I are sitting on the porch...we are in our chairs relaxing...looking out to the sunset - enjoying the beauty of it all, but we aren't speaking to one another...we are enjoying the calm and the serenity of our lives, but yet we are having the most interesting conversation - conversation without words...how lovely that would be........he's the one that understands me...he's the one that thinks my flaws are perfections, he's the one that sees the beauty in my heart...he is my true unconditional loving friend.

He's the one I travel with - mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, sexually....he's the one when the chips are down and things aren't always flowing his way I'm there to support him and ease his mind about how we're going to make it through. When things aren't flowing my way...he's there to lift my spirits.  He's the one that although we don't see eye to eye we have a mutual respect to agree to disagree with love and compassion. He's the one that protects me, shields me, and guides me.  He's the one that makes me laugh. He's the one that takes my ideas seriously.  He sees the creativity in me. Most importantly he's my best friend. He's my lover. He's my protector.

And for me...I am his best friend.  I am his lover. I am his protector. I am his supporter. I am his caretaker.  I am his listener.

Together we are one another's mind, body and soul healers.

Do I ask too much?  There are days I ask myself...where is this man? When will I experience the joys have not having to live this life without a partner? Where have I gone wrong in my past relationships?  

I am finding out that human relations between myself and the opposite sex are not easy. At one point in time I thought it was easy. But I'm truly learning about the different facets of a male's human existence. I don't think I ever took the time to understand how it all works because I was too busy concentrating on the physical dynamic.  I just want it to be simplistic, but I'm finding out how complicated it can be for a man to determine who his life partner should be. 

Now I understand my lesson in all of this...it is to be patient. I have very little of it - patience. But I'm learning to take each day with greater understanding of it - patience.  All the attributes I listed above from him and me all have the underlining component of having it - patience.  I truly believe that once I have patience mastered all things will be revealed to me. 

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Get up Get out & Do Something (Thx. Macy Gray)

One of the biggest things on my mind these days is wanting to travel more. I love to travel. But I haven't gotten the opportunity to really travel like I want. I should say...I haven't MADE the time to travel like I want. I've been to a few places in and out of the United States.

I just feel like I'm at point in my life where I want to travel to other continents and see how the world is living, surviving and thriving.  Not just to the islands, but to far off lands.  

My number one international destination is Greece.  I think Greece is absolutely stunning and breath taking. I have no rhyme or reason for Greece. I just know it's a place I want to go. 

My number two international destination is Japan. I just think Japan is the coolest place to visit.  I was told however, that if I suffer from claustrophobia that Japan is not the easiest place to stay...that the rooms were small and it almost feels like being in a closet.  

The third place on my international travel list is somewhere off in the South Pacific. I'd also like to visit Australia. 

My number one national destination is Hawaii.  I had an opportunity to go for a writer's conference this past Labor Day, but decided not to attend. However, the conference is every Labor Day in Hawaii and so I've put it on my 2010 list of like to(s).  I'm thinking I can plan better by going for a week.  And attend the writer's conference at the beginning and enjoy my vacation for few more days at the end. 

My number two national desination is a place I've already been to many times, but would like to go back as a mature working adult - Las Vegas.  The times I went to Vegas previously, I wasn't in the financial place I am in now. I'm not a gambler.  And previously I didn't stay at the best places either...I want be at the Bellagio.  Now that's riding high and in style! In addition, I want to go with a man....as a couple. 

My number three national desination is going back to San Diego...I've only been there once...I was driving through.  My father was taking me to Tijuana.  This was back in the early 1990s.  But from what I saw and gathered...I realized that San Diego is one of the most surreal places in California.  San Diego is a must see and do trip within the next two years. 

As I look over my list I think these are good places to dream to visit.  I also want to expose my children to traveling and having them to experience the world.  There is nothing greater than the true life experiences to be the teacher of cultures.  This is not something one can totally understand by reading a book. This is something one must experience and absorb for themselves. 

I am really going to try my best to travel more and expose my children to traveling more...we are going to take small steps and just set out to see the United States - starting with Maryland, then Virginia, Delaware, Pennsylavania...and as more money is available and the older my children become we will set our sights on the world's classroom. 

As per Macy Gray:

Get up get out and do somethin
Don't let the days of your life pass you by
Get up get out and do somethin
How will you make it if you never even try?
Get up get out and do somethin
Can't spend your whole life trying to get high
You got to get up get out and do somethin
Cuz you and I got to do for you and I

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

WOOSAH | All damn ready at work | Set Yourself Free

It's not even 12 noon yet and I am ready to play sick at work today. Boy do I feel a headache about to slog into my mind. I think I am taking this stuff at work too seriously. So to get away from all the things coming to me at my desk, I decided to participate in the Performance Management forum this AM. So I'm sitting here listening to the speaker bore me to death about what her agency did to improve performance management. But I'm relaxed now. I'm beginning to feel calm. Lol :-)

Don't get me wrong I really love my job. As a public servant I feel like I am involved in the work of our country, BUT Lord only knows it can be more about WHO you work with rather than WHAT you do. This morning was just one of those mornings.

Do you feel me on this?

Here's something that I received in an email. It is to keep me and you focused - remember today is Thursday. Friday is only a few hours away!

There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding yourself back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you release that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. 

In fact, it is easier to fulfil your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges, and yet it is not the challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfilment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live. 

Sent via BlackBerry for Michelle R Sweeny by Tmobile