#Reflection:

I wonder if anyone reads the things I write. 

Be Free....

2 double O nine N re-VIEW

It is so easy to get the holiday blues. The holiday season represents things hoped for, things lost, and things yet materialized.  So here is my year in review....

2009 in Review

In January of 2009 I was dating this really nice guy. He wasn't my usual type. But he was something to do. It was during a time when me and my long term ex were on one of our hiatuses. But by April, I let him go. He was ten years my junior, white, loves NASCAR and he worked two jobs, but all he wanted to do was discuss his bills. lol Okay honey...we all have bills, but I don't allow it to consume my life to the point that I eat, sleep, and only think about my bills. I let him go because he asked me for $125 to pay his car insurance bill.  That was a NO NO. One, I'm not the Bank of America and two I didn't want to set up the pattern of loaning him money and then him paying me back.  He would have paid me back, but I wasn't having it. Looking back that was just a sexual relationship. And it was one that didn't last to long....thank God. lol :-) 

Also in January 2009, this country inaugurated it's FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT of the United States. It was a moving, wonderful and spiritual experience.  This changed a lot of things at work. With the new Obama Administration came the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act aka ARRA in mid February - gone was the old Bush Administration initiative - the President's Management Agenda (PMA)...and it was busy around my job with helping Federal agencies implement ARRA.  It was hectic for most of the year. After ARRA, came the Detroit Hiring Fair and then we instantly moved into Hiring Reform. And I had mentally checked out on January 20th.  It was hard for me to get myself together.  I truly believed that I wasn't doing my heart's desire and that is to write for a living. 

So I moved my website and started to really work on my blog in mid-February. I've done a great job this year of writing in my blog and expressing bits and pieces of my life as they happen.  The only month I missed for 2009 was April. 

In December 2008, I withdrew from one of my classes - my LAST class of the program. But I was too preoccupied with the really nice guy I was dating and I really didn't feel like doing school work. However, by the end of February 2009, I had gotten myself together. And I was ready to finish my degree. I had to finish my thesis and complete the last course. I had already finished the first draft of the thesis, but I needed to make the edits and tighten it up. I am really bad with proofreading. I had received an incomplete for the course. I had to reedit, get the finished thesis bounded, shipped off to my school, have it graded, and get the grade changed in the system - ALL by March 31st. By this time it was March 5th. But I got it together.  And the course I had signed up for in April was dropped because not enough students signed up...so I took a very interesting class in May.  It was about the Beat Generation/Movement.  It was an intense four weeks. But I finished.  I received my degree in the mail - Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.  This is my third Master degree.  This is the LAST time I will ever enter a formal educational program! I'm tired of school!!!! lol I'm done!!!!!

June 25th - My beloved Michael Jackson passed away.  This was devastating to me. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. It was very difficult for me. But I think it was difficult for a lot of people that really loved MJ and his music. I will LOVE Michael Joseph Jackson forever! He was a true visionary...he was a gentle soul.  And when I saw the movie of This Is It on November 1st, it really showed a different side of MJ. One that I hope that everyone grasps.  This last show he was preparing was fro me...it was for you....he did it for the love his fans...the love of the art form...the love of music....that movie showed how MJ was not an angry man.  He had greatness. No other person has ever captured the hearts of so many people. 

Over the summer, I bowled in my summer league. I bowled like crap.  The last time I bowled like that, I was a beginner bowler...but I've been bowling well during my winter league. Go figure.

By July,  I had called quits again with my on again/off again ex.  This time I was absolutely serious about not getting back with him. The previous pattern was after three months of being off, we'd fall back to one another and stay on for about six months...then we'd fall out and be off again for three months....back and forth.  This went on for SEVEN years!!!!!!!  But this has lead to nothing substantial. I decided to no longer entertain his phone calls or text messages.  I've been clean and sober from him for five months. Yay me!!!! 

The first weekend in August I attended my 20th high school reunion.  I had never attended any of the previous reunions.  I had previously asked the ex back in 2008 to attend, but being the jerk that he can be he said yes, but when it came time for me to purchase the tickets in May, he backed out. But I went ahead and followed through. I purchased one ticket. Then the time came...and I had a ball that entire weekend.  I realized I didn't need him.  The reconnection was great.  I forged new friendships with people that I didn't hang out with while in high school. Facebook as come our common place for the interactions we share.  We even do things outside of FB. It's a great source of networking. 

During this time I also started getting back into dating and I met someone special. Someone from my distant past. When he approached me, I would have never thought five months later I'd feel the way I do about him.  I wasn't checkin' for him.  He wasn't on my radar. I often play one memory in my mind over and over.  I wish I could go back to that period in time and just start all over with him. I would admit now that I sold myself short when it came to him.  He and I came to an agreement that I was satisfied with. He had already stated to me that he wasn't looking for anything more serious than what we agreed to. And I wasn't interested in having another relationship with anyone at that moment in time. I just wanted to date and be free to do as I felt whenever I felt it. I was cool with this set up and the agreement we made.  I dated other men, but he captured me. UNEXPECTEDLY.  I heard about how this can happen to a person when a person least expects it BAM it comes. However, what happens when it only comes to one person and not the other? lol I mean that is life right?  I knew it to be true, when he and I were to hook up, but something came up and when I finally saw him later that day I felt this deep intense emotion to come over me...it was more than just elation.  When he got in the car, I felt all was right in the world.  Needless to say, I hid my feelings from him...then one night he put me on notice and reminded me of our agreement.  CRUSHED. But rightfully so. I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall for him. SUCKA! lol I was a sucker.  But this wasn't his issue.  This was my problem.....So I lied to him about the onset of my intense feelings when he confronted me. I knew that showing my true feelings towards him would end it all. So I put on a show. I walked cloaked and daggered.  I continued to see him and I continued to hide my emotions. But for me, it began to get too emotionally complicated for me; and in order to rid myself of how I was feeling, I stopped speaking to him. I refused to call or text him.  I was scared that he'd see through me.  Eventually, he also stopped calling and texting me as well. I think he figured out how I was feeling and decided that it was best he jump ship too before he thought I'd become to too needy and dependent on him.   Not my style. I am respecting him, his space and our agreement. I can't even say I lost him.  He was never mine to lose.  We weren't in a committed relationship.  I just felt an intense connection with dude.  However, it became clear to me over time that the more I saw of him the more I became conflicted and the more unhappy about the situation I became. The last five months have been a learning lesson on what not to do when it comes to interactions with the opposite sex. I will never put myself in that space again.  I will never label or put limits on what could be and if the male states he doesn't want a relationship and I know I do - regardless if this is the right person on or not, I'm going to walk away...cut my losses early...I'm not going to stunt the potential of what could be - I never want to feel this one sided feeling ever again. 2010 I will put those learning lessons into practice and truly accept someone into my life that's going to love me, respect me and honor me as his companion.  I still have suitors. A couple are past suitors, that I won't give them the time of day. It's backwards to go backwards. lol There is a reason they are past suitors. Not interested. 

2009 was a interesting year.  There was never a dull moment. There were somethings I didn't complete like: learn how to ride a motorcycle, play the drums or learn to play golf.  But I did rid myself of the emotional turmoil I had felt with my ex only to engage myself in a one side situation.  It was a step up from where I was coming from. Work was meaningless, but I enjoyed the pay...lol, I promise myself to be more proactive in my job and get my head together, remove the writer's block and start writing again.  

Writing is the key.  I would start writing short stories and I couldn't finish them.  I have written some treatments, but I don't feel like writing the script. I started writing a young adult novel, but I've lost interest.  I'm wasting time. My mind is cluttered. I have five days to remove the clutter from my mind - get FRESH for 2010. I can't bring this dead weight into the new decade. 

Be Free.......

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Claridad

Every mid December I begin to think about the new year that's about to approach...and EVERY year I think about how I hope the next year won't suck like the current year or the years previously when it came to relationships. And guess what...every year thus far since 2001...it has sucked. lol 

This year, I'm being PROACTIVE. 2010 marks a NEW DECADE....not just a newyear...but a new decade...a new period of 10 years - and I've decided that in this new decade....it's not going to be ANYTHING like that past 10 years. 

The fact of the matter is - I was semi-dating someone.  We had an agreement. I promised myself that my emotions weren't going to get involved.  But I stepped over the line.  This is the first person I've felt any kind of serious emotions about post SD era. This was a big step for me. If you've been following my blog, then you know that SD was a long drawn out relationship.  It lasted for seven years and it was a roller coaster of nothing. Ups and downs and it filled with nothing...just absolutely nothing. 

Anywho!.....things in my opinion started out really well between he and I. I really thought we were getting close and perhaps this could supersede what our orginial agreement was. Then it was finally dawned on me that this was NOT the case. As time moved on, he and I moved further and further apart.  I agonized why this was happening. This went on for weeks. The more he didn't call or text me, the more I didn't call or text him.  This is the kiss of death in any kind of interaction between people.  Effective communication is essential to have successful relationship. 

Today, it snowed an UNBELIEVABLE amount of snow....the DMV area has not had this much snow in probably 20 something odd years.  But this snowstorm gave me the opportunity to really sit down and think about where I am and where I want to be. It was during these blizzard like conditions, I realize that this person that I really felt internally was the right person for me, is really NOT the right person for me. I just happened to meet someone that I FINALLY felt who treated me like I've been wanting to be treated for awhile. And I fell in love with the treatment. He treated me like I've longed to be treated. 

This kind of treatment works so well with women who have been hurt,emotionally/mentally, financially abused by men over the years. I now believe I suffer from attention deficit. This is where women will SETTLE for any kind of treatment from a man just to keep that man around for the attention - no matter how little it is. We will listen to all the garbage he places in our dumpster because it's some form of attention.  But that attention just keeps him in CONTROL over the overall relationship and keeps us (women) OUT OF CONTROL - trying to figure what is going on. We are always second guessing ourselves. Wondering and thinking about him...what's he doing...why is he doing that....and we don't even confront him when he doesn't something we find blatantly disrespectful for the FEAR of him LEAVING!  lol That's straight trash! Trust me it is...if he leaves he wasn't the right one from the jump!

OMG! It's time to DROP this mentality! 

So I've done some self assessment.  I wasn't honest with myself nor was I honest with him.  I knew when he first approached me that I wanted to be in a relationship.  I just wasn't sure if Iwanted to be in a relationship with him.  Matter of fact, at the time I was talking to someone else.  Yet, the more and more he talked to me, the more and more I began to like him. But then I fell into la-la period  - you know that period of time that men take you through - and you feel all happy and giddy, but truly it's nothing but to get to the end result - having sex. And I fell for it. I was really thinking this dude was feeling me MORE than what we agreed to.  But know I see after WEEKS of really not having any communication, that if it was REALLY that easy for him to not COMMUNICATE with me, then he wasn't feeling me as deeply as I made it out to me in my own mind. 

I'm clear with this.  And I'm happy that I'm finally see it for myself. It's such a heaviness that has been lifted. I've heard some really solid messages from Lewis of iHustlenation and Dedan Tolbertof the DedanTolbert.net show. These messages have CLARIFIED so much for me. 

In all, I've come to accept that he's not the person for me. I wasn't honest with myself.  I'm scrapping my 90 day rule. A man will lasso the moon for the one woman he truly wants no matter how many days have gone by. 

Be free.....

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Wasting Time | No More Excuses | Life is Short | Life is Precious | Be Free

Last night I went to the bowling alley as I usually do on a Saturday night. I had opted to go bowling instead of attending my Great Aunt Juanita's birthday party. She's in her 90s if I'm not mistaken. Well now I clearly understand WHY I was suppose to go bowling.  I was given a subtle message of BE FREE, LIVE YOUR LIFE, LIFE IS TO SHORT and NO MORE EXCUSES...a reminder that LIFE is precious and I shouldn't take each day for granted...that I need to be on my Ps and Qs...that I no longer should settle, but make the most of my life on a DAILY BASIS. 

I'm standing there preparing myself to bowl for the evening.  I threw some practice balls. The lanes were just like I like them. I then saw a woman I knew from another league I bowled in years ago.  At one point in time she had bowled in the league I still bowl in.  She looked nice as usual, but she approached me and said Dion passed.  I was like Dion who? I knew her son's name was Dion, but I knew she could not have possibly been speaking about her son....and she was like MY SON. I WAS IN COMPLETE SHOCK! He died from injuries of being in a car accident.  The accident was October 11, 2009.  I bowled with him at point in time and he use to sub in my league.  It had been a while since I had last saw him.  I remember talking to him about my reasons for cutting my locs.  He had long locs that were very pretty and he was thinking about cutting them.  I told his mom about this...and she said yeah he had decided to cut them and he did so in May...and it was probably shortly before then that was the last time I saw him. I am still in shock and very hurt about his passing.  He was a young good looking bright young man. He worked for the DC Fire Department and I remember always seeing him in his blue uniform with DCFD on the back of his shirt....he just wanted to live his life to the fullest.  But on one night driving down Rt.197 Laurel-Bowie Road...that all came to an end. He lived for a couple more days, but he eventually fell to his injuries. I feel so bad for his mother. She was in good spirits for having just burying her son on October 20th. She didn't bowl...her husband subbed...but I tried to make her laugh and feel at ease. But I can tell she was feeling the pain of not having her son.  She told me she had her good and bad days...and I can understand this.  I watched my mother go through the same pain of having to deal with a passing of a child...her son, my brother. 

I can't believe I'm just finding out this news.  The mother of Dion had been up the bowling alley about a week ago and I still didn't know.  Wow....so here I am....able bodied...I am alive that can complete my dreams...my goals...and I'm going to do just that. 

It just so happened this week I made some decisions. The first being about my participation on Facebook. I logged out on Monday November 2, 2009 at 11am and I've not logged back in since. I've given up all the time wasting mindless games. I just don't see the importance in them any more. They are addictive and it's almost like being or having a second job. Between attacking folks on Mafia Wars, harvesting crops on Farmville, dancing with people on Yoville and waiting for a chicken to cook on Cafe World...I wasn't writing. I wasn't completing my projects. I was losing my writing spark and becoming more interested in things that have no significant outcome if I wasn't on Facebook. It's not about taking a "break" from FB, it's about seeing how useless it can be at times...and how it was stopping me from achieving my goals and dreams...FB is the dream of its founders and we have bought into THEIR dream...but I want someone to buy into my dream...my completed writings...my e-novel,  publish a manuscript, see my screenplays optioned and produced...but before that can occur I have to buy into me...and I can't do that by buying into things that keep me preoccupied from that goal. I know this blog post will pop up on my wall page...but rest assured...I have not logged into FB. 

Another decision I've made is how disgusted I am regarding my "love" life. lol This has been obvious with some of my previous blog posts I've made. The fact of the matter is I'm sick and tired of being "alone". I want someone to come into my life that is going to care about me like he's never care for anyone else in his life.  I've made some really bad choices in men and they have taken advantage of my kindness and I allowed them to because I wanted to say or "act" like I was this deep meaningful relationship. But I wasn't...I was just fooling myself.  Just like I continue to fool myself in my current situation. No matter how bad I want it to change or if I call myself reading the tea leaves as they say...this is another dead end interaction.  In part I feel like the victim and another part of me feels like the asshole. I saw clearly this past week where I thought he cared about me, but I see where I was misreading it...and he really didn't/doesn't care at all.  Seriously...I just don't care anymore. I've played my own role in this. Not seeing the signs, not wanting to believe that these people could treat me the way I allowed them to. Dion is dead and he no longer has the opportunity to find love or to have love find him....he will never know what it is to grow old.  My brother will never know what it is to grow old.  However, I still have that opportunity to grow old and share my life with someone who is worthy of all that I have to give.

Ahhh the older I get, the more cynical I become over this falling in love thing. And why not...I just feel like love doesn't love me...even after I've given love my all. There has to be a life lesson in all of this. I still believe this is apart of me learning patience. Once I learn it...I truly believe I will see everything clearly.   But given that...I look back on Dion and say wow...I still have a chance. The problem is...I care...I care too much...even when I shouldn't. Life is too short for me to care about people when they don't and will never care about me. I've lived so much of life wasting my good precious time on people that just used me...didn't care about me...only wanted sex with me but used love as the weapon of choice to seduce me. I fell for that crap. The lower lustful me fell for it. That is something I have to learn to control. It being out of control is what has gotten me to this place of despair. But I finally recognize it.  Thus allowing me to do something about it. 

I said I was going to live in a bullshit free zone.  Some aspects of my life I've done a great job of doing that...in others...well not so good and now is the time for me to apply this to all aspects of my life. I'll be 40 January 21, 2011...that is 14 months away. All that crazy young childish crap I use to put up with...is just that...and I'm not dealing with any of it anymore! 

I saw a sign this morning. I heard some banging on what I thought was someone at my front door.  I went to my bedroom window. No one was at the door.  It was just one of the kids.  What did I see, however.....I saw a woman walking to her car with two large white garbage bags full of clothes it looked like...but that's not what caught my eye...it was the fact that she was wearing a BLUE SWEAT SHIRT WITH DCFD on the back....I know...I'm on the right track.... 

Be free......

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Love & Patience

I'm still working on patience because I know LOVE IS PATIENT...LOVE IS KIND. 

Holding on to my faith and shining light on hope....it will all happen in due time. 

Life Partners & Patience

So I've been thinking about this topic a lot. What is a life partner to me? I say life partner instead of marriage because I think of that person as something beyond just being married to.  There are lots of people who are married and aren't satisfied, unhappy or they just married for all the wrong reasons. 

What is a life partner to me? Well since I've never been married, I can't say what the highs and lows are when it comes to dealing with one person on a daily basis for a long time. I have been in long term relationships but I'll challenge anyone who seems to think that is the same as being married. 

What keeps coming to mind is the man I am with - he and I are sitting on the porch...we are in our chairs relaxing...looking out to the sunset - enjoying the beauty of it all, but we aren't speaking to one another...we are enjoying the calm and the serenity of our lives, but yet we are having the most interesting conversation - conversation without words...how lovely that would be........he's the one that understands me...he's the one that thinks my flaws are perfections, he's the one that sees the beauty in my heart...he is my true unconditional loving friend.

He's the one I travel with - mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, sexually....he's the one when the chips are down and things aren't always flowing his way I'm there to support him and ease his mind about how we're going to make it through. When things aren't flowing my way...he's there to lift my spirits.  He's the one that although we don't see eye to eye we have a mutual respect to agree to disagree with love and compassion. He's the one that protects me, shields me, and guides me.  He's the one that makes me laugh. He's the one that takes my ideas seriously.  He sees the creativity in me. Most importantly he's my best friend. He's my lover. He's my protector.

And for me...I am his best friend.  I am his lover. I am his protector. I am his supporter. I am his caretaker.  I am his listener.

Together we are one another's mind, body and soul healers.

Do I ask too much?  There are days I ask myself...where is this man? When will I experience the joys have not having to live this life without a partner? Where have I gone wrong in my past relationships?  

I am finding out that human relations between myself and the opposite sex are not easy. At one point in time I thought it was easy. But I'm truly learning about the different facets of a male's human existence. I don't think I ever took the time to understand how it all works because I was too busy concentrating on the physical dynamic.  I just want it to be simplistic, but I'm finding out how complicated it can be for a man to determine who his life partner should be. 

Now I understand my lesson in all of this...it is to be patient. I have very little of it - patience. But I'm learning to take each day with greater understanding of it - patience.  All the attributes I listed above from him and me all have the underlining component of having it - patience.  I truly believe that once I have patience mastered all things will be revealed to me. 

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Today, I... Today, I am....

Today, I reflect. 

Today, I am sad. 

Today, I think. 

Today, I am confused. 

Today, I love. 

Today, I am compassionate. 

Today, I laugh.

Today, I am hurt. 

Today, I listen.

Today, I am impatient.

Today, I wait.

Today, I am proud.

Today, I cry.

Today, I am angry. 

Today, I pray. 

Today, I am helpless.

Today, I wish.

Today, I am unlucky.

Today, I struggle.

Today, I am blessed. 

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - The Real Talk Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Bullshit Free

I have made a decision...that in 2010 I'm going to have a committed relationship.  I mean a real relationship. I've been in non-stop "relationships" for the last 13 years...but I didn't get what I deserved or what I wanted. 

I was with my oldest daughter's father from 1996 to 2001 - That ended with me leaving a brand new house that he and I just purchased in June 2000.  With me only living in it for six (6) months. How about this...I remember telling him the night before we were to go to settlement that I didn't want the house. lol He had already moved out of his apartment a couple of days prior and he was living with me. Yeah. But I did it anyway. Thinking it was going to be alright...and it wasn't. So I left.

Moved back in with my mom....it was like starting all over...with child and in March of 2001, I met my youngest daughter's father on Yahoo Personals, before it became a fee for service product. We hit it off. Awwww man....we fell in love hard...summer of 2001 - what a GREAT summer. But he had his ties. Ties that I could never break.  I had our daughter in July 2002 and about two (2) weeks after giving birth, I met my next suitor. But he and I really didn't hook up until mid September of 2002.

I ended up leaving my youngest daughter's father for my suitor because I thought it was a better situation.  (To protect this suitor's identity, I'm changing his name - but for those who know...you know...and no need to call him out like that! lol - so let's call him SD! LMAOOOO)  Being with SD was like jumping STRAIGHT out of the frying pan and into the pits of hell itself!  

Awww Lawd....From 2002 to 2009...on and off...off and on...back and forth. It was mental struggle with him. It was mentally draining. I had to eventually stop entertaining him because he and I were just going no where after all this time. I'm not going to go into specifics about it but I learned so much from that relationship...I CLEARLY know what I want. I'm no longer confused. lol What a learning lesson. 

So during the time of being on and off with SD...I had friends with benefits...these were my attempts to break free from the mental chains that were tying me to him....some of the friends were little bit more serious but they couldn't take off and fly because I kept comparing them to SD in my mind. CONSTANTLY!!!!!

So now it's 2009....I'm SD FREE. lol And I have been making new male friends.  It wasn't until I truly stopped entertaining SD's mental hostage takeover brainwash tactics, that for the first time I've felt free to really like another person without any preconceived notions or baggage.

However, I've made a decision....I want a REAL relationship now. I'm too much of a classy lassy to continue on this path.  I have my stuff together. lol FINALLY. My head is on straight, established career, schooling is complete, I'm open and learning patience. Life is giving me a slew of possibilities. 

Now I will say this....there is one in particular friend that I really like.  He's a special friend.  I really like his energy.  Cool dude.  I really don't know where that situation is going. It's just flowing and it's nice to enjoy the flow. So whatever happens, happens.

It just feels like 2010 seems like a good time to start. I will be 39 - It will be the start of a new decade...it's a good way to close out my 30s and open up the new chapter of the 40's. I'm more mature. I can speak honestly to a man without feeling like if I speak my mind he's going to jet.  I'm so coming into my own now. I'm feeling strong. It really is true when they say your life begins at 40. It does. You have maturity. The struggle of a career have passed. The children are maturing and becoming more self reliant....It's just a good place for me now.

I don't know when marriage is coming to me, hell it may never come to me......I just know I'm no longer entertaining bullshit anymore.

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page, NetworkedBlogs and my ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com  - Blog is also linked to Twitter through my Twitterfeed.

Woodrow Wilson Class of 1989 my retrospect 20 years later....

So I almost didn't attend my 20th high school reunion. It all started
from some simple madness. When I found out about the NING website that
was set up for the Class of '89 I was all gun ho. I wanted to see people
I hadn't seen in a long time. That was around October/November 2008. I
was all set to attend. I had never attended any of the other reunions.
They were happening about every five years it would seem. I wrestled
with the idea of attending.

The fact of the matter is I didn't like high school. The social aspect
of school was miserable. Doing the school work was out of sync of me
wanting to be more social, so needless to say I struggled on occasion.
I never really felt I found my niche in high school. My home life was
good, but my mother was a single mom having to deal with my brother who
was physically challenged. In high school I always felt like I was
drowning. I felt like I didn't belong in one group of friends, so
traveled in different circles. This even prompted me to stop taking the
Metro and I started taking the bus all the way to school and
back...while the friends I grew up with still rode the Metro.

I'd say the friends I was extremely close with I had known since I was
elementary school. After we graduated Shepherd Elementary, we went in
different directions, I was a part of the Hardy Hawk crew LMAO...while
others went to Jefferson or Deal...in the end we all found ourselves
back together at Wilson. But our social circles had changed and grown.

So coming from a single parent family, I had this undercover enviousness
of the girls who could rock the designer bags/clothes, thick gold
chains, yada yada yada (My mother wasn't purchasing NONE of that! I
could forget it! lol)....the 80s was a time as Gordon Gecko would say
"GREED IS GOOD"...and the mess filtered down right into the Black
community - materialistic things were amass and plentiful - thanks to
Reagan's energy of individuality is best.........I remember the hot cute
boys with the latest gear and what not. Awwww man how many cool points
would an average girl like myself could have gotten to be with one of
the "in" boys? High school was a major pressure cooker for a young
impressionable mind...And it was this mind that I had been looking at
the reunions - those rose colored glasses....like these people were
going to be the same....yes...truly...this is what I was thinking. I
thought the materialistic stuff made the people and I wanted to be made
more like that when I was in school. Ha, I even saved my money from
working to purchase a pair of $75 EKs....and those were on the cheap
end...I didn't have the ones with the snake skin! This shit is stupid. lol

I also didn't want to attend because after 20 years you wonder if people
think you should have done more with your life, how much weight did I
regain after I lost a good portion of it, did I age well or bad....
Career, Marriage, Children etc....so I asked my on again/off again ex to
attend with me. I asked him nine (9) months ahead of schedule. He
accepted....but as usual when it came to time to pony up - sorry ass
(&(^(&{)#&)&@^(#&)${@&$(@ wasn't there when I needed him the most. I had
waited until the LAST day of the EARLY BIRD special to purchase my
ticket. I contemplated all day on that day...should I go, should I not
go...so a couple of hours before the early bird was to end, I purchased
the ticket. Just one ticket. I felt uneasy. I really wanted to be
escorted to the reunion - just in case no one remembered me and then I'd
have someone to chill with. LOL....I'd make the most out of lemons...

I had stopped going to the personal website set up for the Class of 1989
around the end of December/January. I just checked my email for
updates....I stayed off of Facebook for a while...I was mostly on
Twitter. The months passed - the rest of May....then June (my beloved
Michael Jackson passed) and my world changed...lol...seriously...at that
point I just didn't care. I was worried about nonsense...what's to
worry when you had a person like Michael Jackson who was raked over the
coals and scrutinized for EVERY decision, EVERY move, EVERY thought - he
made....and he took it in stride and STILL did his own thing...with his
colorless skin, nose issues, wig wearing, being accused of be a
pedophile...the whole nine....the attention he received (still receives
in death) is on another level that I could NEVER imagine...and I was
worried about some people I really hadn't seen in 20 years! OMG!!!!!
Where was my mind!?! lol

However, I went and it was NOTHING like I thought it would be. I didn't
need my ex. lol OMG...if he had attended I would have been mad...cause
he would have been cramping style! lol I reconnected with friends from
elementary school and I forged new friendships....I think what really
made my entire weekend was when someone I didn't know in high
school...one of our Latinas...said to me "I remember you" - WHAT?! I was
shocked....I was thinking how could she have remembered me when I felt
like I never did anything in high school that was worth remembering.

The is a prime example of how our
preconceptions/misconceptions/perceptions and our inner insecurities
wreak havoc on our lives. But truly the only way to combat this is to
FEEL THE FEAR and DO IT ANYWAY on the ROAD LESS TRAVELED.

*The REAL TALK BLOG has an RSS feed to my Facebook Notes page and my
ZETAZEN Author's Page on Amazon.com

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?%5Fencoding=UTF8&search-type=ss&index=books&field-author=Susan%20Jeffers>

Jeffers discusses the crippling effects of fear in her personal life and
explains how she formulated a course of action for conquering it. Her
answers are simple, her course of action difficult only because it
requires courage. She explains how fear is based on the uncertainty of
change and the lack of positive self image. She avoids psychological
lingo, and includes many case studies about careers and changes in
personal life both of which are beginning to cause anxiety in many
teens. Her message is reassuring: choices are not opportunities to make
mistakes, but valid paths to growth, whichever path we take. She
addresses the fundamental cause of fear the belief that ``I can't handle
it!'' Feel the Fear is an important book, for while some young people
are more crippled by insecurity that others, many do believe that the
path to adulthood is fraught with dangers. Fear is doubtlessly a
handicap with which they must learn to cope. /Jennifer John Reavis,
Episcopal High School, Bellaire/
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc.
All rights reserved.

The Road less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
*A classic self help, spiritual discovery book*, July 18, 2003
The book opens with the words "Life is difficult." Once you accept that,
it becomes a lot easier!

But most of us don't accept that. We think if we do things the right
way, or if other people would, then eventually life would become easier.
Our material needs will be met, love will bloom forever, bad things
won't happen to us, and life will unfold according to our individual
needs and wishes.

Guess again. If you're constantly trying hard and finding life to be a
major disappointment, you may find comfort and practical help in the
reading and re-reading of this book.

Peck writes in an easy to read, easy to understand manner, writing of
his life and that of many of his own patients. He begins with a section
on Discipline; the next is on Love; then Growth and Religion; closing
(how appropriately) with Grace.

When first I read this, in my mid-twenties, (living life in what one of
my 'friends' called Life in the Breakdown Lane) the sections didn't look
like they'd offer anything to help me. Discipline was something I wanted
to act out against, not find solace in. The section on Love, I was
disappointed to find, did NOT provide any instructions on how to find a
knight on a white horse. Growth and Religion seemed some kind of a
paradox to me, and I was sure that Grace was nothing more than a name I
wished I had.

But within those Sections I have again and again(at different levels)
found peace of mind through solutions that at first I didn't fully
understand, but came to believe in -- for anyone looking for help in
improving their lives, from a non-dogmatic, non-fundamentalist point of
view, I'd strongly recommend this book.

Read it, learn from it, and just as happens to the bunny in the
children's book, The Velveteen Rabbit, you'll find yourself becoming
more alive, and more 'real.'

I'd also encourage the reading of Sheldon Kopp's "If You Meet the Buddha
on the Road, Kill Him" and (if you're looking for some comic relief,
always good when stressed) watch "Groundhog Day."

This is truly a gem of a book (though I haven't liked many others of his).