Eff it! | Overweight = Unworthy thoughts | STFU!

Here is a reality check on being overweight, something I've NEVER admitted to others, but here we go....

So Saturday night, hubby and I went to a party....we took this picture.  I liked the picture of my FACE, it was the REST of ME, I wasn't feelin'...and for the FIRST time in my life I got a really good look at HOW overweight I am.  I'm like in SHOCK!  insert *BLANK STARE*...... :-| 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see what I saw in that picture.  When I'm just looking at myself while, say for example, I"m writing this blog I don't see that.  I don't even FEEL all that fat.  I'm not very happy about my physical appearance right now, and guess what, I was thinking it's really not all that bad.  WTF was I thinking? lol 

I'm working on my transformation, but dang it for a sliver in time, I felt like JUST because I am overweight ALL things I've accomplished and have been blessed with, I didn't deserve because I am FAT!

The husband, the cars, the degrees, the career,the house, the children, the dog, just the entire lot of it!!!!  WTF? 

 It's like society has people believing that only the fit and trim or the not so overweight people deserve the wonderful things in life.  Look at how advertising promotes products!!!!!  The overweight woman in the ad is promoting products like Mr. Clean or a mop!  The thin woman is promoting hot cars, great looking shoes, expensive handbags, or anything that deems success!!!!!!!! STFU!!!!!! Society's mentality towards overweight and obese people is just horrible.  We live in such a harsh world. Filled with so many hang ups....*get off the soap box* before this becomes an essay and not a blog post!!!! lol :-) 

OMG! For a moment I've fallen into being thin = success trap!!!!!!!!  Where is my self esteem?  It had fallen in the dumps after looking at that picture.  Picking it up off the floor now!

I spoke to my hubby about it.  He just shook his head...and he told me that he loved me and he was happy that I was taking charge of it...(me being overweight) NOT because I wanted to look like a supermodel with all the bells and whistles, but because I am 40 years old and I need to make sure my health is straight...ON POINT.  

Case in point, for me to be overweight, I take no meds for any ailments.  Blessed.  I am now more determined that EVER to correct my eating habits.  I use to eat only one meal a day - and I'd stuff my face! lol Since 6th grade I stopped eating breakfast on the regular.  There are patterns, habits, behaviors I need to change, let go, and modify.  This is going to take some time.  All this didn't happen overnight, it's not a problem that's going to be fixed over night either. 

So yeah, here and there I have thoughts that I'm not worthy of my accomplishments, thus I'm not worthy to achieve anymore success because I'm a fatty. There I've said it.  I feel better. lol :-) 

 It's okay for men to be fat and still be successful, but women don't have that same leeway.....I digress....

I'm done with this.  I'm in transformation mode.  Transforming one day at a time. 

Be Free....

Goal: Patience Mastered, Perception eh not so hot...

I'm really coming into my own with my patience.  It has now been mastered and I feel a calmness that has come over my soul. I no longer feel like I have to rush everything or that everything must be rushed in order for it to be achieved.  It's a good feeling. I think being snowed in with the children has taught me how to just wait it out; that in due time everything will work itself out. That makes me feel good. 

Here is something I wrote as my Facebook status:

I feel it growing beneath my feet...Roots of Patience...Time is no longer my construct...I am pure untamed energy. Flowing freely. Fluid...as water adapts, so do I.

The Roots of Patience have grounded me. Here is another thought I had about importance and mirror effect of water in our lives:

H2O has the ability to transform into all three states of matter ...solid, liquid, gas - adapting - given the situation. Most of the human body is made up of water...so with that we should be able to adapt to any situation. lol Home life, Work life, Community Life...family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships....see the threes - solid, liquid, gas/home, work, community/family, spouse, friends....three states of matter or three things that matter!!! lol

Now that patience has been resolved and I'm no longer trippin' on the instant...I now have to work on perception. Things aren't always what they seem nor is my constant thinking of them is what the reality is. Wikipedia has some interesting insight to perception.  Read up on it.  

What I am receiving, thinking, and trying to understand may not always be the reality given the limited facts I have gathered through sight.  This is where assumptions are based, founded and grown.

I really have to learn now to let things go and not try to infer or spin what my perception is.  This habitual function will only keep me rooted in pain, hurt, misery and distrust of everyone around me.  Learning to accept it and not worry about it is hard.  Especially when it comes to relationships....when you want someone to love you and care about you and your perception of the situation is skewed because of what you think you see or what you think you know....and what may not be the case is detrimental to my over spiritual path. 

Perception....the new goal to accomplish. 

Transforming my thoughts for my new life.... 

Be Free

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