Purposeful Power Player

Friday, September 12, 2008

Hmmmm

Where am I mentally? I woke up this morning really feeling good and then I started thinking about my past relationship with one person I've been dealing over the course of six years. I just feel like the association with this person is coming to an end. I read back through some of my blog posts regarding my state of mind regarding this individual...and I can see where I have matured over the years.

I remember when I first met him I was just in awe of him for a long time. I didn't like to fight with him because I thought it would be the "end" of us - to always play the "good girl I'm for him role", now it's all so different. I feel like I've gotten my confidence to not accept just any kind of treatment from him. I don't accept his view of he and I. I really don't like it. I guess after six years I think it's time; I'm just tired. I haven't gotten any closer to him in terms of where I feel and I stand. Even after six years. I see that we are closer, but we aren't where I thought we'd be after all this time.

I'm tired. I don't love him any less, but I don't love him as much. I don't have that gut feeling about he and I anymore. That kinda scares me because I've always had this feeling that he and I together were always meant to be even in the face of some of his madness. I think we've come to a crossroads. I think this is as far as he and I can go now. I'm on a different path. I just don't see where he and I match anymore. He's made a couple of decisions that have been unsettling to me and I really think when he made that one decision he thought it was the best thing he could do. But then again, I'm leaping into no man's land of what he thinks because he and I are so disconnected I really don't know WHAT he thinks. But that's neither here nor there. It's fruitless at this point in the game. He and I are in the fourth quarter down to the last two minutes and in previous match ups I've lost. This time I feel I'm going to win.

I have a lot of goals and everything is coming into action. I see it all working to my benefit.

I'm feeling good about myself. I've lost 40 pounds and still losing. I'm doing really well at work; my agency went to green in status. I'm doing well in school. I'm almost finished and my professors have stated that my writing has grown and that they see my potential. My children are doing well in school. I have a wonderful house. I live in a great neighborhood...

And so now it it's time for me to get into a relationship with a man that really loves me. A man that will spin the world for me on a daily basis with something as simple as a smile, text message, phone call, or whatever he deems is going to make me happy.

Even though I'll always have a love for him; I see that light I once had for him that use to shine brightly is beginning to dim. The candle burns slow to the end.