Purposeful Power Player

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Heartache...a Broken heart....

There is nothing like it.

Once again I sit in agony about love.

I have done nothing but give my all EVERY time I've been in a relationship.

Maybe I gave to much of myself. I don't know.

Maybe I wasn't demanding enough from the men I was with. I don't know.

Maybe I'm too nice. I don't know.

Maybe I cared when I shouldn't have. I don't know.

Maybe I allowed them to use me as a doormat. I don't know.

Maybe I'm just the fat ugly girl that is not good enough to take home to momma. I don't know.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!! I am in so much agony. I feel hopeless.

I feel like I want to die. In death I'd probably be loved.

Everyone gives you their fake love and homage when you're dead. It's so politically correct. No matter how fake it is. They stand up there and they give you all these props...how much of a great person you were in life. What you meant to them...how they will miss you...how they love you and....and how life will never be the same without you! IT'S ALL BULLSHIT!!!!!! Cuz they never felt about you like that when you were alive! When you're alive, they treat you like shit...lying to you....using you....making you feel like fucking dirt!

I'm in pain. I hurt. I'm bitter! I'm mad. I'm pissed.

I hate love.

I hate relationships.

I hate you all. Every AND any one of you that I allowed to share in any part of my life. I'm such an easy target.

Men are selfish and don't care who they hurt or why they hurt them.

If you don't love a person here is a list of "do not dos".....
1. Don't tell them you love them in an email after not talking to them for months after departing on bad terms. And don't text page them that shit either!
2. Don't leave them little notes looking for them on their blog or with mutual friends!
3. Don't tell them you miss them.
4. Don't invite them to see you. And certainly don't promise them that you're coming to see them!
5. Don't sleep with them or mention anything sexual.
6. Don't tell them you love and are in love with someone else and then ask to be their friend (and forever at that!) all in one breath in the same damn sentence. And don't act like the the last four years were really important to you! HA when they really weren't!!!!
7. Don't tell them you will always be there for them. Always. Why? So you can keep turning the screws of hurt into them?
8. Don't tell them you can't wait to kiss them in a text page. (Yeah that shit AGAIN!)
9. Don't ask them how they would feel about having a baby by them.


10. Don't...JUST don't.. PLEASE DON'T....continue to talk about all the changes you've made to your life, how much better of a person you are....how EVERYTHING is about YOU YOU YOU... because YOU are now a BETTER person for FINALLY telling the muthafucking TRUTH! You want praise for doing something honest people do everyday! John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

I never asked anything from you! I never ask for anything from anyone for any reason....but for some reason.....I STILL GET SHIT HANDED TO ME! I thought it was best to put us on no strings attached because I didn't want to rush back into the same type of relationship. But that wasn't a get out of jail free card to just build me up and then cut me down slowly....

Calling this a saga! I just think that is just dumb! It wasn't a saga...It's my life. It was a relationship.....You must really think you're in a soap and the cameras are secretly rolling in the bushes, following you around, lurking from bush to bush catching all your bullshit on film.

But you know what...it was a joke and you got all your laughs. Four years of comedy central courtesy of me.... It's not about being lied to....it's about what you don't know won't hurt you....it's about taking a courtesy of someone else's feelings....somethings are just better left unsaid.....you didn't have to contact me for this bullshit!

Like I've said before, I've always thought you were selfish. That everything is about what you're getting out of the situation. You think telling me the truth was the right thing to do for me, but once again...it was the right thing for you because YOU wanted to be set free from the lying chains that kept you bound. Being a better person means caring about others. Oh that's right....you do care...about YOU!

You didn't have any problems helping me spend my money last weekend tho! Right before you lowered the hatchet!

In your spiritual walk...you forgot to ask God about the greatness of being selfless versus selfish..... Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.


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